Judgement

When you care deeply about something (like I do, about birth), it's hard not to have big feelings about it.  I jump up and down with joy when I hear a birth story where a mama gets exactly what she wants, like this morning when I got a text from a doula friend who had her beloved baby boy last night at a birth center and went home a few hours later, feeling like the whole experience was perfect.  How can that not make you happy, right?

And I'm sad, deeply sad when a mother wants something so much, very often just as much for her baby's benefit as for her own, and every single thing goes wrong.  She feels helpless as one intervention is piled upon the other, as every single thing she doesn't want is offered in a last ditch attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable cesarean at the end of train wreck births like this.  She hasn't done anything wrong, she's not an idiot who bobs her head and does whatever her OB suggests- she's just the mom with the baby that for whatever reason needs to be born another way than the quiet, gentle, non-interventive way that she had planned.

If you are a midwife, or a doula you probably get this - how disappointed and profoundly sad a mother can be when everything goes wrong.  But I notice a lot of other women don't get it.  I hear a lot of "at least your baby is ok," "a healthy baby is all that matters," "the most important thing is getting your baby."  I'm not disputing that a healthy baby is the most important thing to any mother.  I'm definitely arguing that it's not the ONLY thing important to some mothers.

If you are a mother who really doesn't care how her baby came out, fine.  I don't have judgement for that.  If you are a mom who had a traumatic birth but were able to just pick yourself up immediately and never had a single tear over her birth, fine.  Or you had the worst imaginable birth but you could just breathe and let it all go with no disappointment, good for you.  Seriously, good for you.  I think you must have many many gifts to allow you that kind of acceptance and resiliance, and that is a wonderful thing.

But for anyone out there who doesn't get it why a mother would feel sad about her cesarean, or her homebirth transport ending in every drug under the sun, please stop judging.  You don't have to understand how she can be sad and disappointed and over the moon happy in love with her newborn all at the same time.  But please don't judge her, or nudge her to move on, or get over it.  And please don't say any of those statements above dismissing her feelings.

If you really care about her or love her, just listen to her story, without your own judgements and when she says she feels sad or disappointed or angry, tell her it's ok to share her feelings with you and that it's ok for her to have them.  If you really want to help her, let her know that you accept her, that she is a good mom and that you are willing to listen.  When mothers receive empathy instead of judgement they are much more likely to heal from their traumatic experiences, and the painful feelings become less acute over time.

The love that new mothers receive is passed right along to their babies.  When we judge and dismiss, we are missing a beautiful opportunity to fill a mother up with love, to help in her healing and to give her the kind of unconditionally loving acceptance that we all hope she can give to her baby.

A few more hugs and a lot less judgement for the mothers please.

What you can do to make your birth better - RIGHT NOW

One of the toughest aspects of birth is the lack of control.  My opening birth education class often begins with a discussion about what a bunch of control freaks the mothers all are.  The partners laugh and nod in affirmation, but it speaks to a pretty serious issue.  We all seem to be control freaks these days.  

Think of weddings - the most important day of many women's lives - planned right down to the minute, every single detail scheduled out and prepped to be absolutely perfect.  We'd like to think we can do this with birth - that other "most important day" of women's lives.  But deep down (most of us I hope) know we can't plan birth.  Birth happens the way it wants to, often due to circumstances far beyond our control - our family's genetic tendencies toward gestation, labor and birthing, for example.  Babies come when they are ready.  Birth often happens in the wee hours of the morning or the middle of the night.  It might involve screaming or vomit.  And transition - what a beautiful exercise in lack of control.  Often the births women are happiest about later involve a complete surrender of control at some point.  The thing we cling to most (control) is the thing birth demands we give up.

I created this list several years ago to restore a little control.  (Don't get me wrong - I think birth knows exactly what it's doing - letting go of control during labor is key in the process of becoming a mother, but some control, especially before labor begins can help women feel safe.   And safety is VERY important for birthing.)  I hope it can help you have a better birth (and enjoy your pregnancy too.)

The Top Ten List

What you can do (today!!) to have the best birth possible for you (in order of importance)

• Practice relaxation, hypnosis, meditation or visualization 20-30 minutes daily, preferably with your partner.  Your mind is your most powerful ally in birth.
• Eat well.  Eat protein with every snack and meal.  Eat smaller meals and frequent snacks to stabilize blood sugar.  Eat at least 100 grams of protein daily.  Eat whole foods (especially leafy greens).  The single best way to protect your health and your babies health.
• Talk to your partner about your fears, needs and desires for your birth.  Let them know what they can do to help you.
• Hire a doula.  She can help comfort you physically and emotionally, provide you with information and support your birthing decisions, while working along side your partner to help you have the best birth possible for you and your baby.
• Talk to your birth provider about your choices, make sure they understand and respect your wishes.  Check out Childbirth Connection for help with this.
• Find a counselor or therapist - if you have anxiety or depression, are a survivor of abuse or simply need someone to talk to about your choices.
• Care for your sleep and rest.  Nap whenever you can.  Limit screen time one hour before bed, and go to bed and wake at the same time each day.
• Walk daily.  Fresh air and sunshine are good for you.  Walking helps position your baby well and strengthens your birthing muscles.
• Insulate yourself from negative influences (people, TV, books, online), especially about birth.  Limit your contact with people who don't support your birth choices (don't allow them to be with you in labor).  Create positive affirmations about your ability to birth.
• Learn how to assess your baby's position and utilize movements to help your baby find the best position for labor and birth.  Check out Spinning Babies for information about an easier birth.

While there is much we can't control about birth, and the unexpectedness of this happy event is certainly part of its joy, these ideas are sure to help you have a calmer pregnancy and face your labor with confidence that you did every thing you could to ensure the best outcome for you and your baby.

To find out more about my birth classes, please visit Bellabirthing.com.